I can't help but think that this reminds me of my whole school

I wake up absolutly terrified some mornings. Shards of nightmares lie on my pillows and keep trying to consume me whole throughout the day. It's this nagging awful feeling in the bottom of my heart. Weights around the ankles the whole thing. The thing is thats even heavier than that is that it's become glaringly obvious that I don't relate well to people. Even with people that I consider friends I consistanly feel distant and pull away from the group. Maybe it's a combination of being anxious and stressed out.

The thing that really gets me is taht I should be happy and well adjusted and all thet crap, but I'm beginning to think that I may be a genuine misanthrope. I dunno, when I feel this down I think that Ponch is the only one who can understand me. Who is Ponch? Here's a journal entry from 18/02/2004. At this point I was on LJ and in a "change the names of my friends" kick, so I keep refering to him as "donald" but it's Ponch.

so tonight i went to a party and i got there pretty late and everyone was drunk with the exeption of zandra who never drinks and donald who used to have a problem with that sort of thing so he tries to avoid it. The moment I walked in I could see that there was somthing bothering Donald, he had that look in his brown eyes, that darkness, the dull pain that somtimes comes into them, crowding that inense caring. All that in warm brown. So I asked his about this place he told me about once, some cliffside nearby where you could see everything for miles, including the New York skyline. He said he really couldn't give me directions but one day he woulsd drive me there. Then he looked thoughtfull for a moment and said "How bout now?" I nodded and we went off, leaving the party very much confused. Climbing into his car I could feel his heaviness weighing on my chest. We sped off into the blackness, 10 miles over the speed limit, and I asked him "Whats wrong, talk to me." And we did, about people and life and his college audition untill we pulled into the parking lot of a church and parked. We walked a-ways and climbed up a steep hill and then, the city, our town and the towns next to it spread beneath me liek a blanket of stars. The sky opened up and extended into infinity and there I was, standing next to this boy surrounded by the most intense beauty that I had ever seen. And I hugged him in appreciation. We stood there and continued to talk and I was SO infinite it was incredible. Then some drunken kids came up there and Donald and I decided to leave. We got in the car and drove back to the party. I wrote a little poem about Donald and then I noticed a little argument break out, apparently a girl Laura was drunk and wanted to drive home, which we wouldnt let her, so I drove her home in her car while zandra tailed us and then I got out of Laura's car and zandra drove me back to my car and I Drove home, calm and happy and hoping that everything for Donald would end up in bliss.

Tonight Donald asked me "Why are you so good to me?" and I told him "Because I like you." I wish...I dont know, he posseses this amazing gentle beauty of the spirit that I never see.







The main theme of this entry is that I feel like shit, and I don't want to write right now and just want to be left alone.

With My Glasses Off

I step out and close the door.
Car headlights blossom like fungi,
growing in size as they pull away
Leaving behind the gentle ache of bitten, dirty fingernails
Try to tell yourself: if there is no kindness and courtesy there must be something.
I am not convinced anymore.
Stop talking about me like I'm a tinfoil valentine.

Mantra.Mantra.

I am not allowed to feel down when things are going fine.