Monday, December 24, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Short Story to Become a Short Film
Rainier lay breathing, her face planted in the cold snow. She lay, contemplative of the sensations around her. She felt the melting of the snow under her warm live body. The metallic taste in her mouth was from her bleeding nose, she watched the cardinal stain spreading on the snow before her face. Her arm lay at an odd angle up the hill behind her. Wind stirred the trees. She closed her eyes for a moment.
Jack waited on the side of the road looking for a ride into town. He was careful about who he let give him a ride, they had to be just right. No truckers or men alone, he would only stick out his thumb for little families and women. Hippies were alright too. His general rule for hitching, and he had developed quite the list of rules was “Nobody I couldn’t take down in a fight.” Though this generally spelt more walking for him, he didn’t mind. He was in no rush, nobody in town was expecting him to show up. He’d been gone for almost three years now. Traveling around the country, working seasonally on farms. He’d saved up some money traveling light. Jack considered this his grand adventure, there had been no rules, no one to answer to. By now, he surmised that he was certainly off police radar. His infractions had been minor mostly but after the last big job he felt like it was time to move on for a while. Yet something had drawn him back to the town where he had grown up. A car pulled down the lonely north-eastern highway, around a curve of snow heavy pines preceded by a cold gust of wind, a young woman was at the wheel. Jack stuck out his thumb.
Rainier ran panting through the woods, she didn’t look back. Her legs screamed out in lactic pain, she couldn’t stop. Fight and flight had surely kicked in now and there was only the gnawing on instinct on her mind. She sprinted at top speed down the path. Pursuit she though almost blandly, was inevitable.
Jack was surprised when the car pulled to the side of the road. His face, reflected in the passenger side window of the car looked scraggly, dark circles ringed his eyes. The window rolled the glass slowly down, revealing a petite dark haired slip of a girl. She smiled brightly.
“Hey stranger, where you headed?”
Jack shifted his rucksack on his shoulders.
“Just into Burlington.”
“Well that’s where I’m headed!” she grinned “One stop excepted, if you’re in no hurry I’m your gal.”
Jack grinned, “That’ll be just fine Miss.”
She was out of breath, her asthma was catching up with her. The path divided, which way did she have the best chance? She knew that there could be no escape. A hunter never lets go of wounded prey. The trees about her stood like thin dark tombstones, marking places long forgotten. Rainier chose a path and dashed.
“Unusual name, Rainier. After the mountain I suppose?”
She smiled at Jack, he seemed nice, a little down on his luck, but a good guy.
“Yup, hippie parents, the whole deal. Anyone expecting you in town?”
“Not a soul,” he said leaning back into his seat relaxing. “You know it’s dangerous to pick up hitchers on lonely roads don’t you?”
Rainier smiled again, “Well Jack I used to do a fair amount of hitching myself. Mind if I turn on the radio?”
Jack grinned, and ran his nicotine stained fingers though his hair. This was all too perfect.
“Sure thing missy.”
The hunter had caught up with the prey, the shovel slammed down over and over. Screams of pain reached nobody’s ears this far into the woods. The deep red splattered all over the snow, bits of skull and brain clung lovingly to the now crimson shovel. The colors were perfect. So perfect. Everything had been, just as the hunter dreamed it would be. The satisfying crack of skull, the pink mists of blood, and the chunks of brain stuck in dark hair.
Rainer turned down the radio.
“You mind if we stop on that trail up ahead? I’m a photographer and I want to take a few pictures. There’s a little brook not too far into the woods.”
Jack was pulled out of his daydream in disbelief.
“Sure Rainer.”
He always liked to say a new person’s name a few times, it helped to get their trust. She pulled the car over to the side and he got out.
“Would you mind running round the bend of the path and grabbing me a trail map? I want to make sure I don’t have us wandering all over creation.”
Jack knew that his little name trick had worked, she was so trusting already. He walked around the corner and out of sight of the car.
Rainer went to the trunk, and unlocked it with the key. Moving the large camera aside, she grabbed the rusted old shovel. She took a deep breath and prepared herself for the hunt.
Besides, who would miss a drifter?
Jack waited on the side of the road looking for a ride into town. He was careful about who he let give him a ride, they had to be just right. No truckers or men alone, he would only stick out his thumb for little families and women. Hippies were alright too. His general rule for hitching, and he had developed quite the list of rules was “Nobody I couldn’t take down in a fight.” Though this generally spelt more walking for him, he didn’t mind. He was in no rush, nobody in town was expecting him to show up. He’d been gone for almost three years now. Traveling around the country, working seasonally on farms. He’d saved up some money traveling light. Jack considered this his grand adventure, there had been no rules, no one to answer to. By now, he surmised that he was certainly off police radar. His infractions had been minor mostly but after the last big job he felt like it was time to move on for a while. Yet something had drawn him back to the town where he had grown up. A car pulled down the lonely north-eastern highway, around a curve of snow heavy pines preceded by a cold gust of wind, a young woman was at the wheel. Jack stuck out his thumb.
Rainier ran panting through the woods, she didn’t look back. Her legs screamed out in lactic pain, she couldn’t stop. Fight and flight had surely kicked in now and there was only the gnawing on instinct on her mind. She sprinted at top speed down the path. Pursuit she though almost blandly, was inevitable.
Jack was surprised when the car pulled to the side of the road. His face, reflected in the passenger side window of the car looked scraggly, dark circles ringed his eyes. The window rolled the glass slowly down, revealing a petite dark haired slip of a girl. She smiled brightly.
“Hey stranger, where you headed?”
Jack shifted his rucksack on his shoulders.
“Just into Burlington.”
“Well that’s where I’m headed!” she grinned “One stop excepted, if you’re in no hurry I’m your gal.”
Jack grinned, “That’ll be just fine Miss.”
She was out of breath, her asthma was catching up with her. The path divided, which way did she have the best chance? She knew that there could be no escape. A hunter never lets go of wounded prey. The trees about her stood like thin dark tombstones, marking places long forgotten. Rainier chose a path and dashed.
“Unusual name, Rainier. After the mountain I suppose?”
She smiled at Jack, he seemed nice, a little down on his luck, but a good guy.
“Yup, hippie parents, the whole deal. Anyone expecting you in town?”
“Not a soul,” he said leaning back into his seat relaxing. “You know it’s dangerous to pick up hitchers on lonely roads don’t you?”
Rainier smiled again, “Well Jack I used to do a fair amount of hitching myself. Mind if I turn on the radio?”
Jack grinned, and ran his nicotine stained fingers though his hair. This was all too perfect.
“Sure thing missy.”
The hunter had caught up with the prey, the shovel slammed down over and over. Screams of pain reached nobody’s ears this far into the woods. The deep red splattered all over the snow, bits of skull and brain clung lovingly to the now crimson shovel. The colors were perfect. So perfect. Everything had been, just as the hunter dreamed it would be. The satisfying crack of skull, the pink mists of blood, and the chunks of brain stuck in dark hair.
Rainer turned down the radio.
“You mind if we stop on that trail up ahead? I’m a photographer and I want to take a few pictures. There’s a little brook not too far into the woods.”
Jack was pulled out of his daydream in disbelief.
“Sure Rainer.”
He always liked to say a new person’s name a few times, it helped to get their trust. She pulled the car over to the side and he got out.
“Would you mind running round the bend of the path and grabbing me a trail map? I want to make sure I don’t have us wandering all over creation.”
Jack knew that his little name trick had worked, she was so trusting already. He walked around the corner and out of sight of the car.
Rainer went to the trunk, and unlocked it with the key. Moving the large camera aside, she grabbed the rusted old shovel. She took a deep breath and prepared herself for the hunt.
Besides, who would miss a drifter?
prelude to a massacre
Her boots were dusty and her jeans were dirty but that wasn't what told sam she was from a place far from here, or no place at all, it was the top of a tattoo that peeked from under the back of her shirt. It sat there, calm, and half hidden, but there was no mistaking the shape. On her skin sat a cathedral window, but instead of depicting a bible story each window had a symbol he had never seen before. He followed her into the gas station's little general store. People opened up to him easily, he could get her to say something. But he was dead wrong...
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Holiday Party 2007
And so it was said that she should only make the face of metal in her party photos!
Oliver is the male version of me.
Tomorrow! WILL BE AWESOME
Oliver is the male version of me.
Tomorrow! WILL BE AWESOME
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Alan Moore isn't taking my calls...
Well as if by magic, I was browsing the webs yesterday to find that Alan Moore's The Watchmen is now in production. Terry Gilliam said that the film was too complex and ditched it, saying it would do better as a five hour mini series. (CORRECT!) Such wonderful ideas have been thrown around while this project was in development hell like " Arnold Schwarzenegger as Dr.Manhatten! Brilliant!" or KEANU REEVES. like at all. Who ever even suggested that Keanu be in the watchman is an idiot. UNLESS BILL AND TEd ARE MEETING SUPERHEROS KEEP KEANU OUT OF IT.
I'm mad tired. There are finals all over and I can barely type.
I'm mad tired. There are finals all over and I can barely type.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
c to d (tower of london version)
D,
I assume that you will probably receive my text message before you read this, but if that isn't so "I am back in New Jersey." Exausted and feeling a bit like I smell of airplane but overwhelmingly Alive, which is a good thing. It was rainy and my flight was delayed, the resulting wait wasn't as bad as it could have been however and I was much releived. Once in the tiny airplane I came to the realization that there was only myself and twelve other passengers. I sat alone with not one single person in sight and since I had my book and my journal this suited me fine. The flight felt longer than it's 50 minutes but we did fly through a storm and I must admit it was pretty thrilling. I could look out the window and in the flashes of bright white light that mark the wings of the plan for others see the raindrops miles before they hit earth seemingly suspended by the strobe. It was really fantastic, I wish you had seen it. It was a like a sneak preview of these little drops that hadn't reached the earth yet.
My family seems well. There is now a cheerleading bumper sticker on the car. My sister is more like my mother every day. I feel strange and old here like I don't quite belong. I am wearing stupid pajamas. You'd laugh if you saw me. They are warm though. Did you know that the root of "pajama" is persian? It derives from "leg pants." My question is, of course, are there pants that are not for one's legs?
I miss you. I am going to write you another letter on hotel stationary. If I meet Alan Moore I'll tell him not to let anyone make his comic books into movies. Especially Watchman. I wish neil gaiman still lived in london, I could sit outside his house chanting his name and asking him to teach me his ways of writing wave to him.
I'm Exhausted, and I found my pocket edition of Dracula.
Yours,
Chris
I assume that you will probably receive my text message before you read this, but if that isn't so "I am back in New Jersey." Exausted and feeling a bit like I smell of airplane but overwhelmingly Alive, which is a good thing. It was rainy and my flight was delayed, the resulting wait wasn't as bad as it could have been however and I was much releived. Once in the tiny airplane I came to the realization that there was only myself and twelve other passengers. I sat alone with not one single person in sight and since I had my book and my journal this suited me fine. The flight felt longer than it's 50 minutes but we did fly through a storm and I must admit it was pretty thrilling. I could look out the window and in the flashes of bright white light that mark the wings of the plan for others see the raindrops miles before they hit earth seemingly suspended by the strobe. It was really fantastic, I wish you had seen it. It was a like a sneak preview of these little drops that hadn't reached the earth yet.
My family seems well. There is now a cheerleading bumper sticker on the car. My sister is more like my mother every day. I feel strange and old here like I don't quite belong. I am wearing stupid pajamas. You'd laugh if you saw me. They are warm though. Did you know that the root of "pajama" is persian? It derives from "leg pants." My question is, of course, are there pants that are not for one's legs?
I miss you. I am going to write you another letter on hotel stationary. If I meet Alan Moore I'll tell him not to let anyone make his comic books into movies. Especially Watchman. I wish neil gaiman still lived in london, I could sit outside his house chanting his name and asking him to teach me his ways of writing wave to him.
I'm Exhausted, and I found my pocket edition of Dracula.
Yours,
Chris
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Haloween!!!!!!! IS COOOOMING
When I was little I desperatly wanted to be Morticia Addams, because I mean damn she speaks french is a botonist AND can take on Gomez in a sword fight. I asked if I could be her for halloween and my mother suggested that I be Wednesday instead since the Morticia costume would be hard for people to know what I was. I was indignant and said that I just needed a dress like hers. "The one that makes you like this!" I said and then proceeded to outlines a tiny waist and large hips. My mom had a hard time explaining to me that it wasn't the dress, that it was just the way Morticia was. I was crushed. I was a nun that year and for 2 years after it.
weirdest 5 year old ever.
weirdest 5 year old ever.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Guys, Dumbledor was Gay.
Weird
http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=c2b40da2-2406-4e8f-bc89-6fc11d1b0e41
I guess I thiught of him asexually...like merlin or gandalf. I guess merlin was a little sexy.
hmmm. I'll have to think about this
http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=c2b40da2-2406-4e8f-bc89-6fc11d1b0e41
I guess I thiught of him asexually...like merlin or gandalf. I guess merlin was a little sexy.
hmmm. I'll have to think about this
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
I wake up absolutly terrified some mornings. Shards of nightmares lie on my pillows and keep trying to consume me whole throughout the day. It's this nagging awful feeling in the bottom of my heart. Weights around the ankles the whole thing. The thing is thats even heavier than that is that it's become glaringly obvious that I don't relate well to people. Even with people that I consider friends I consistanly feel distant and pull away from the group. Maybe it's a combination of being anxious and stressed out.
The thing that really gets me is taht I should be happy and well adjusted and all thet crap, but I'm beginning to think that I may be a genuine misanthrope. I dunno, when I feel this down I think that Ponch is the only one who can understand me. Who is Ponch? Here's a journal entry from 18/02/2004. At this point I was on LJ and in a "change the names of my friends" kick, so I keep refering to him as "donald" but it's Ponch.
so tonight i went to a party and i got there pretty late and everyone was drunk with the exeption of zandra who never drinks and donald who used to have a problem with that sort of thing so he tries to avoid it. The moment I walked in I could see that there was somthing bothering Donald, he had that look in his brown eyes, that darkness, the dull pain that somtimes comes into them, crowding that inense caring. All that in warm brown. So I asked his about this place he told me about once, some cliffside nearby where you could see everything for miles, including the New York skyline. He said he really couldn't give me directions but one day he woulsd drive me there. Then he looked thoughtfull for a moment and said "How bout now?" I nodded and we went off, leaving the party very much confused. Climbing into his car I could feel his heaviness weighing on my chest. We sped off into the blackness, 10 miles over the speed limit, and I asked him "Whats wrong, talk to me." And we did, about people and life and his college audition untill we pulled into the parking lot of a church and parked. We walked a-ways and climbed up a steep hill and then, the city, our town and the towns next to it spread beneath me liek a blanket of stars. The sky opened up and extended into infinity and there I was, standing next to this boy surrounded by the most intense beauty that I had ever seen. And I hugged him in appreciation. We stood there and continued to talk and I was SO infinite it was incredible. Then some drunken kids came up there and Donald and I decided to leave. We got in the car and drove back to the party. I wrote a little poem about Donald and then I noticed a little argument break out, apparently a girl Laura was drunk and wanted to drive home, which we wouldnt let her, so I drove her home in her car while zandra tailed us and then I got out of Laura's car and zandra drove me back to my car and I Drove home, calm and happy and hoping that everything for Donald would end up in bliss.
Tonight Donald asked me "Why are you so good to me?" and I told him "Because I like you." I wish...I dont know, he posseses this amazing gentle beauty of the spirit that I never see.
The main theme of this entry is that I feel like shit, and I don't want to write right now and just want to be left alone.
The thing that really gets me is taht I should be happy and well adjusted and all thet crap, but I'm beginning to think that I may be a genuine misanthrope. I dunno, when I feel this down I think that Ponch is the only one who can understand me. Who is Ponch? Here's a journal entry from 18/02/2004. At this point I was on LJ and in a "change the names of my friends" kick, so I keep refering to him as "donald" but it's Ponch.
so tonight i went to a party and i got there pretty late and everyone was drunk with the exeption of zandra who never drinks and donald who used to have a problem with that sort of thing so he tries to avoid it. The moment I walked in I could see that there was somthing bothering Donald, he had that look in his brown eyes, that darkness, the dull pain that somtimes comes into them, crowding that inense caring. All that in warm brown. So I asked his about this place he told me about once, some cliffside nearby where you could see everything for miles, including the New York skyline. He said he really couldn't give me directions but one day he woulsd drive me there. Then he looked thoughtfull for a moment and said "How bout now?" I nodded and we went off, leaving the party very much confused. Climbing into his car I could feel his heaviness weighing on my chest. We sped off into the blackness, 10 miles over the speed limit, and I asked him "Whats wrong, talk to me." And we did, about people and life and his college audition untill we pulled into the parking lot of a church and parked. We walked a-ways and climbed up a steep hill and then, the city, our town and the towns next to it spread beneath me liek a blanket of stars. The sky opened up and extended into infinity and there I was, standing next to this boy surrounded by the most intense beauty that I had ever seen. And I hugged him in appreciation. We stood there and continued to talk and I was SO infinite it was incredible. Then some drunken kids came up there and Donald and I decided to leave. We got in the car and drove back to the party. I wrote a little poem about Donald and then I noticed a little argument break out, apparently a girl Laura was drunk and wanted to drive home, which we wouldnt let her, so I drove her home in her car while zandra tailed us and then I got out of Laura's car and zandra drove me back to my car and I Drove home, calm and happy and hoping that everything for Donald would end up in bliss.
Tonight Donald asked me "Why are you so good to me?" and I told him "Because I like you." I wish...I dont know, he posseses this amazing gentle beauty of the spirit that I never see.
The main theme of this entry is that I feel like shit, and I don't want to write right now and just want to be left alone.
Monday, September 3, 2007
With My Glasses Off
I step out and close the door.
Car headlights blossom like fungi,
growing in size as they pull away
Leaving behind the gentle ache of bitten, dirty fingernails
Try to tell yourself: if there is no kindness and courtesy there must be something.
I am not convinced anymore.
Stop talking about me like I'm a tinfoil valentine.
Car headlights blossom like fungi,
growing in size as they pull away
Leaving behind the gentle ache of bitten, dirty fingernails
Try to tell yourself: if there is no kindness and courtesy there must be something.
I am not convinced anymore.
Stop talking about me like I'm a tinfoil valentine.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
In Which: Oliver Gets His Drunk On, Steals My Camera and bothers sophia, who is asleep.
I really wish I could give these some witty caption but really, Oliver is just insane. I didn't even know that he took all these until i was uploading all the pictures from my camera and they appeared in the midst of photos from the cliffs and of flowers.
He's a real nutcase Oliver, and how Sophia didn't wake up for any of this I'll never know.
He's a real nutcase Oliver, and how Sophia didn't wake up for any of this I'll never know.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Watch Her: Wash
Wifi at the laundromat is probably the coolest thing ever, mostly I think because I really can't be separated from my laptop for too long. Also, I can never read here because of all the noise and madness so if i have to go alone (perhaps because someone went to his parents house hunt zombies for a few days and is therefore unable to be my partner in laundromat excellence)
Anyway, it's been one of those in teresting weeks, busy all the time even though I had a few days off and generally sequestering myself in the house, helping one subletter move out and our permanent roomate steph k move in. Sophia (our other roomate who has been away moost of the summer acting in the Voices Project, some vermont teen movie that has little to do with teens and more about the warm fuzzy feeling that older people get when they pretend to "connect with the youth" but really aren't connecting at all and are mostly just being wankers. All this aside Sophia is a fantastic actress and performer and I'll bet that her parts are the only worth watching.
My bones feel cracky and I havent gone to the gym in so long I'm starting to atrophy. Oh well. I think I'm even too lazy to type out a proper blog entry but I mean, who cares right? I could write anything all here and due to the fact that nobody reads thing (except I think my father found it once and asked me if I was in fact "The Watcher" which I am and I had to laugh because he said it as if her were asking Superman if he were Clarke Kent.
also: the word genre is amazing.
say it with me geeeeeennnnnrrrreeeeee.
Anyway, it's been one of those in teresting weeks, busy all the time even though I had a few days off and generally sequestering myself in the house, helping one subletter move out and our permanent roomate steph k move in. Sophia (our other roomate who has been away moost of the summer acting in the Voices Project, some vermont teen movie that has little to do with teens and more about the warm fuzzy feeling that older people get when they pretend to "connect with the youth" but really aren't connecting at all and are mostly just being wankers. All this aside Sophia is a fantastic actress and performer and I'll bet that her parts are the only worth watching.
My bones feel cracky and I havent gone to the gym in so long I'm starting to atrophy. Oh well. I think I'm even too lazy to type out a proper blog entry but I mean, who cares right? I could write anything all here and due to the fact that nobody reads thing (except I think my father found it once and asked me if I was in fact "The Watcher" which I am and I had to laugh because he said it as if her were asking Superman if he were Clarke Kent.
also: the word genre is amazing.
say it with me geeeeeennnnnrrrreeeeee.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Well I quite like your wrists honestly.
we went to the movies
and got vegan Rubins at Elf and Zinny's Stone Soup
we talked about everything
and tried to infiltrate an insurance sales convention
but then my car got towed from City Market.
Which we all now call "Hungry Hungry Hippies"
I got it back
and you went to work
Which is The Skinny Pancake
or sometimes the Sneaky Pancake
or Planet of the Crepes
we call it "The Shitty Pancake" because they pay you nothing and treat you like and idiot
So I cleaned the house
and read some comics
When are you coming over? I have a question about the Green Arrow and the Black Canary.
My friends are weird.
and got vegan Rubins at Elf and Zinny's Stone Soup
we talked about everything
and tried to infiltrate an insurance sales convention
but then my car got towed from City Market.
Which we all now call "Hungry Hungry Hippies"
I got it back
and you went to work
Which is The Skinny Pancake
or sometimes the Sneaky Pancake
or Planet of the Crepes
we call it "The Shitty Pancake" because they pay you nothing and treat you like and idiot
So I cleaned the house
and read some comics
When are you coming over? I have a question about the Green Arrow and the Black Canary.
My friends are weird.
Friday, August 3, 2007
I can imagine it working out perfectly he said I can't she replied he told her No wonder you're so stressed
Saturday I am working from 4-8 so before or after that is fine. Sunday I am planning on spending some time with my friend Ginevra which is a must, she's going through a rough spot and might have to move out of her current place of residence etc etc. But I am sure I can do both if I need to.
I'm going to rant a little so if you're in a lousy mood just skip this para.
I had a sucky day, I had to leave work becasue my poison ivy was so bad I was almost throwing up (WHO GETS SiCK FROM POISION IVY!!!) I went to the health clinic and they gave me ultra heavy duty meds with a fact sheet that includes side effects like "May cause bleeding from the eyes" It's already helping the poison ivy but it's making me really weird and loopy. The mice escaped in the middle of the night luckily i couldn't sleep from the heat and heard them. They are in an escape proof plastic tank for now...
Grrr.
I left my phone at work and need to run back and let myself in to get it.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE I AM TRYING TO BE OPTIMISTIC TODAY
YES I CAN SEE IT ALL WORKING OUT PERFECTLY
I am stressed about too many stupid things I want a release somehow.
I'm going to rant a little so if you're in a lousy mood just skip this para.
I had a sucky day, I had to leave work becasue my poison ivy was so bad I was almost throwing up (WHO GETS SiCK FROM POISION IVY!!!) I went to the health clinic and they gave me ultra heavy duty meds with a fact sheet that includes side effects like "May cause bleeding from the eyes" It's already helping the poison ivy but it's making me really weird and loopy. The mice escaped in the middle of the night luckily i couldn't sleep from the heat and heard them. They are in an escape proof plastic tank for now...
Grrr.
I left my phone at work and need to run back and let myself in to get it.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE I AM TRYING TO BE OPTIMISTIC TODAY
YES I CAN SEE IT ALL WORKING OUT PERFECTLY
I am stressed about too many stupid things I want a release somehow.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
The Whole Truth
It was, if nothing else, an eventuality. I had felt the tendrils of it' presence lingering on the edges of my conscience for such a lon time that I had almost become accustomed to it's monotonou droning presence. It comes time in every relationship when yo reevaluate the reason for it's persistence and whether or not you ar truly happy
It is because of all of these eventualities that I find myself in a place that I haven't been in a long time, not attached to anyone but myself and existing in the kind of freedom that I don't think I've ever known. I realized that I have rarely enjoyed being in a relationship with the kind of easy freedom that is so often described to me. That spending time with another person compulsorily due to some physical/emotional attraction, has never been enough to satisfy me and if anything it only impedes my ability to create which is what really makes me happy, is simply a bad idea. It hurts the other person deeply and it just makes me unhappy.
I hadn't intended the shit to hit the fan the way it did, but it had to happen soon and unfortunately it happened in the middle of the night in the kind ofexhausting way that people envision what amounts to about 5 years of "our" life crashing down around our ears. Or rather his ears and mine. He will probably never understand. He's a wonderful man but I just can't love that way anymore. The resulting emotional train wreck damage has yet to be really clear and I end up sitting here at my computer realizing that I am alone.
and I know it's the right place to be.
So you get up late a couple days and smoke too much and maybe have one or two extra glasses of wine but eventually you gotta cut out the shit make a cup of coffee, clean the kitchen, and re-edit that screenplay.
which is where I am right now.
It is because of all of these eventualities that I find myself in a place that I haven't been in a long time, not attached to anyone but myself and existing in the kind of freedom that I don't think I've ever known. I realized that I have rarely enjoyed being in a relationship with the kind of easy freedom that is so often described to me. That spending time with another person compulsorily due to some physical/emotional attraction, has never been enough to satisfy me and if anything it only impedes my ability to create which is what really makes me happy, is simply a bad idea. It hurts the other person deeply and it just makes me unhappy.
I hadn't intended the shit to hit the fan the way it did, but it had to happen soon and unfortunately it happened in the middle of the night in the kind ofexhausting way that people envision what amounts to about 5 years of "our" life crashing down around our ears. Or rather his ears and mine. He will probably never understand. He's a wonderful man but I just can't love that way anymore. The resulting emotional train wreck damage has yet to be really clear and I end up sitting here at my computer realizing that I am alone.
and I know it's the right place to be.
So you get up late a couple days and smoke too much and maybe have one or two extra glasses of wine but eventually you gotta cut out the shit make a cup of coffee, clean the kitchen, and re-edit that screenplay.
which is where I am right now.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Back Home In Burlington
So I am back in action at Btown fter a couple of wild trips to Seattle and to Italy. I'm working up a really interesting little travel journal and if it turns out good than I'll type it up and post it here with photos.
Getting back was a little rough at first, but things are slowly adjusting and I'm starting to realize what I really want out of this summer and my life and it's honestly more than a little scary because I know that I'm gonna have to make some rather drastic changes.
gotta galvanize my life stream.
My sisters in magazine called suburban elite and my godmother just got made professor for the grad program at St.Peters in Jersey.
yyy
I'm smoking too much and drinking cheap wine, I accidentally stole sunglasses today from the supermarket. They are lopsided, but i bent and worked them till they were straight.
and I'm falling in love with patty smith.
Getting back was a little rough at first, but things are slowly adjusting and I'm starting to realize what I really want out of this summer and my life and it's honestly more than a little scary because I know that I'm gonna have to make some rather drastic changes.
gotta galvanize my life stream.
My sisters in magazine called suburban elite and my godmother just got made professor for the grad program at St.Peters in Jersey.
yyy
I'm smoking too much and drinking cheap wine, I accidentally stole sunglasses today from the supermarket. They are lopsided, but i bent and worked them till they were straight.
and I'm falling in love with patty smith.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Germans are weird...really weird.
Blogger Won't Embed Quicktime? Seriously WTF mates?
So the find credit for this goes to my friend Oliver, his handle is 1337haxorpwnsn00bs. He's the coolest guy ever.
So the find credit for this goes to my friend Oliver, his handle is 1337haxorpwnsn00bs. He's the coolest guy ever.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Something Happening...
I can't explain this. I'm too ill to. Too overworked. But i've felt the change coming for a long time now and I know that it's going to happen in a few weeks.
Here it goes, moving foward, even when I don't want it to.
Here it goes, moving foward, even when I don't want it to.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
The Weird to the wacked to the totally abstract...
Never in my life have I been so totally unable to focus on my task at hand. I'm fighting to ever print out more research on my porject on Indian Drought and I don't want to even discuss my paper on Yvain that is getting closer and closer. I have officially given up on getting anything of substance done today and have decided that I will just type up this little entry and then run errands that need to be run so that I will have Sunday free to work. The day here is utterly gray and opressive and really the only thing I am looking foward to is getting to see my friend perform a traditional indian dance and the ALANA talent show tonight. I couldn't tell you why I'm so out of it today. I opted not to go party at all last night. However I did have a rather fantastic day with Drew.
You see every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday Drew, Zach and I meet at the school's Marche' for lunch. Usually it's an hour event since I have a class but that was cancelled and Drew and I went downtown to the new comic book store, then got frree ice cream at the Honors Dorm where I pretended to be smart for gummibears. We went off to the palace 9 theatre where we saw HOT FUZZ (fantastic! 100 stars! Simon Pegg Edgar Wright and Nick Frost are the heirs to comedy's pantheon of Gods!) and then got flatbread at Burlington Heart (omgz lolz flatbread) THEN we all went back to UHeight watched mystery science theatre 3k and then I passed out. Since I had been up the night before till 4am (Drew got locked out while his roomate did the late show on the college radio station so we hung out and watched when Harry Met Sally.)
*****AHHH sorry in the cyber cafe and a girl just walked by with pants that were so tight that she was limping and sh had and awful muffin top annnnnd she had her shirt pulled up like a crop top and i just almost threw up a little jesus christ why cant people wear clothes that fit them for Goddess' sake.*****
Anyway the night as a whole was great. Dave and Matt and I had a cool discussion about music in the park and Drew fell asleep on the bench and it was kind of adorable.
I really can't wait until this semsester is over. I really really need the Summer and my upcoming trip to seattle to see my cousin Martin and generally have a fantastic time.
I miss Matt. I really do. so. soon.
I think on some level I should use a blog to say something worthwhile but I don't have much worthwile to say.
I guess I'm just shouting my life into cyberspace a bit.
You see every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday Drew, Zach and I meet at the school's Marche' for lunch. Usually it's an hour event since I have a class but that was cancelled and Drew and I went downtown to the new comic book store, then got frree ice cream at the Honors Dorm where I pretended to be smart for gummibears. We went off to the palace 9 theatre where we saw HOT FUZZ (fantastic! 100 stars! Simon Pegg Edgar Wright and Nick Frost are the heirs to comedy's pantheon of Gods!) and then got flatbread at Burlington Heart (omgz lolz flatbread) THEN we all went back to UHeight watched mystery science theatre 3k and then I passed out. Since I had been up the night before till 4am (Drew got locked out while his roomate did the late show on the college radio station so we hung out and watched when Harry Met Sally.)
*****AHHH sorry in the cyber cafe and a girl just walked by with pants that were so tight that she was limping and sh had and awful muffin top annnnnd she had her shirt pulled up like a crop top and i just almost threw up a little jesus christ why cant people wear clothes that fit them for Goddess' sake.*****
Anyway the night as a whole was great. Dave and Matt and I had a cool discussion about music in the park and Drew fell asleep on the bench and it was kind of adorable.
I really can't wait until this semsester is over. I really really need the Summer and my upcoming trip to seattle to see my cousin Martin and generally have a fantastic time.
I miss Matt. I really do. so. soon.
I think on some level I should use a blog to say something worthwhile but I don't have much worthwile to say.
I guess I'm just shouting my life into cyberspace a bit.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
I am an idiot
After months of waiting I missed the entire JRR Tolkien Conference at UVM because my friend GAbby came up and I haent seen him since he was in Israel for a year. I assumed that there was something else going on besides undergraduate papers on Sunday Morning, which I of course slept through.
But I was wrong
And life sucks right now.
But I was wrong
And life sucks right now.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
i met a girl: a snowball in hell she was hard and cracked as the liberty bell...
There is the sound of a sternum breaking. The half splintering wood, half soft fleshy sound that makes me nauseous and forces me to choke back acrid bile.
Then I remember twilight and I remember Pont Champlain
I dig my nails deeper pulling the ribcage apart a little, jamming my fingers into the spaces between bones. The body is surprisingly resistant to being ripped in half. Pain, and looks of anguish are of course all a part of the process.
Then I remember things you left behind: the smell of apples, sunshine. Hair.
Finding strength I rend the corpse in two. I am surprised, the heart is still in one piece. So many stab wounds from the rear torso...it defies any sort of logic.
I remember being warm once...
I box my little gift and leave it innocuously wrapped on your porch. A parting gift from the depths of me. Burn it in good health lover.
and I remember nothing at all
Then I remember twilight and I remember Pont Champlain
I dig my nails deeper pulling the ribcage apart a little, jamming my fingers into the spaces between bones. The body is surprisingly resistant to being ripped in half. Pain, and looks of anguish are of course all a part of the process.
Then I remember things you left behind: the smell of apples, sunshine. Hair.
Finding strength I rend the corpse in two. I am surprised, the heart is still in one piece. So many stab wounds from the rear torso...it defies any sort of logic.
I remember being warm once...
I box my little gift and leave it innocuously wrapped on your porch. A parting gift from the depths of me. Burn it in good health lover.
and I remember nothing at all
Monday, March 26, 2007
(from a basement on a hill)
God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...
This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin
It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...
This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin
It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...
Friday, March 16, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
i'm pretty easy to please, as far as things go...
After a fight with Mr.800 miles away (he's in the same town as me this week thank god) this was said:
800-"Baby, I have two great loves in my life and you're one of them."
me- "What's the other one?"
800-"Science"
swoooon
800-"Baby, I have two great loves in my life and you're one of them."
me- "What's the other one?"
800-"Science"
swoooon
Monday, March 12, 2007
and when you strip it all away...
Everyday I will focus all my energy on my goals.
I will not be waylaid by the temptations of quick and easy internet communication, television entertainment and the general distractons that keep me from my ultimate goal.
I will stop thinking so much about what I am wearing.
I will stop second guessing myself when I DO create something in order to please other people.
I will be less self critical.
I will write a manifesto for my life.
I will eliminate as much extraneous though, things, and actions as possible.
I will be pure in intent.
I will not relent.
I will rise above.
I will not be waylaid by the temptations of quick and easy internet communication, television entertainment and the general distractons that keep me from my ultimate goal.
I will stop thinking so much about what I am wearing.
I will stop second guessing myself when I DO create something in order to please other people.
I will be less self critical.
I will write a manifesto for my life.
I will eliminate as much extraneous though, things, and actions as possible.
I will be pure in intent.
I will not relent.
I will rise above.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Zach Hoel and The Flawless Victories
I'm way into the leaked tracks from Zach Hoel and the Flawless Victories
test test test
test test test
help me kill my time
I'm sitting writing when I should be packing
the shade is down, it always is now
I prefer artifical light
I'm rendering myself useless through my own self doubt,
wishing I could dispose of those parts of myself I find
boring
disturbing
cliche'
I need to keep moving foward,
Soon I hope to be
Just somebody that I used to know.
***
It's time to go to see my old self
in a town I hate
in a mirror i broke
and all the little shards keep sticking into my hands
i'm always bleeding on the new blue bedsheets
***
between sleepy cities
***
when you grow up youre gonna be a freak
i wanna be a girl
who's not scared of anything
***
"Being 'The Girl in the Funny T-shirts? That's what you're afraid of?' he said amused with me.
"yup"
I nod.
actually i'm really afraid of being a cliche', that's what I was really trying to say friend. i'm pretty impressed by the fact that you are special by nature of who you are and I have to wear stupid clothes to be different. even my belt has a big mouth
***
?
i got a question mark
i dream and i don't know what it means
the shade is down, it always is now
I prefer artifical light
I'm rendering myself useless through my own self doubt,
wishing I could dispose of those parts of myself I find
boring
disturbing
cliche'
I need to keep moving foward,
Soon I hope to be
Just somebody that I used to know.
***
It's time to go to see my old self
in a town I hate
in a mirror i broke
and all the little shards keep sticking into my hands
i'm always bleeding on the new blue bedsheets
***
between sleepy cities
***
when you grow up youre gonna be a freak
i wanna be a girl
who's not scared of anything
***
"Being 'The Girl in the Funny T-shirts? That's what you're afraid of?' he said amused with me.
"yup"
I nod.
actually i'm really afraid of being a cliche', that's what I was really trying to say friend. i'm pretty impressed by the fact that you are special by nature of who you are and I have to wear stupid clothes to be different. even my belt has a big mouth
***
?
i got a question mark
i dream and i don't know what it means
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Hi
I am not that mysterious. I just don't like my face on the internets.
I also enjoy the tactile experience of putting cd's in the player, or casettes in the walkman, or records on the turntable.
MP3's dont have the joy of putting something in, making it play and the momentary pause of
HEEEEEEEEEERRRREEEEEE COOOOOMES MUUUUUSIC!
Everyone should listen to a panic at the pagoda by the Dog Traders they are pretty sweet.
I also enjoy the tactile experience of putting cd's in the player, or casettes in the walkman, or records on the turntable.
MP3's dont have the joy of putting something in, making it play and the momentary pause of
HEEEEEEEEEERRRREEEEEE COOOOOMES MUUUUUSIC!
Everyone should listen to a panic at the pagoda by the Dog Traders they are pretty sweet.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
BLACK FLAG LYRICS
"Wasted"
I was so wasted I was a hippie I was a burnout I was a dropout I was out of my head I was a surfer I had a skateboard I was so heavy man, I lived on the strand I was so wasted I was so fucked up I was so messed up I was so screwed up I was out of my head I was so jacked up I was so drunk up I was so knocked out, I was out of my head I was so wasted I was wasted.
I was so wasted I was a hippie I was a burnout I was a dropout I was out of my head I was a surfer I had a skateboard I was so heavy man, I lived on the strand I was so wasted I was so fucked up I was so messed up I was so screwed up I was out of my head I was so jacked up I was so drunk up I was so knocked out, I was out of my head I was so wasted I was wasted.
Friday, March 2, 2007
I need these old dreams to break down...
You've got to wonder, how long do people not say anything to someone they might potentially be friends with because they're afraid they're not cool enough?
Apparently for me half a semester. I finally had a conversation with one of these kids in my tolkien class that I kept thinking said really insightful things but I never had a chance to talk to him, or the nerve to say "yo dude nice point" But today we had a conversation and they seem like a generally cool human-bean. So that was reassuring
So the metal show last night...was the awesome. I didn't study as much as I should have for my arthurian literature midterm but I generally got this feeling: I am going to be young for a very very shot time. Some portion of that time should be dedicated to some headbanging amonst drunken metal heads. The evening got off to a good start, memorizing tolkien's poetry at nicoles house, Having a drink, going to bills and watching the new Nine Inch Nails DVD with Bill, Oliver, and Luke. Then the show...
God I love little rock shows, or big ones, the pounding bodies the sweat the noise. It's primal, like some long forgotten ritual of our collective ancestors. A friend's band Brothers Through Glass played and they were mighty fine. Being underaged I had to drink rum and coke from a water bottle in the bathroom. Rebellion is hilarious.
Plus headbanging is sweet.
On the plus side I did well on my assignments. I am a genius and now I am off to see friends and then go to a "Friends of Knowledge Kegger"
Huzzah
Apparently for me half a semester. I finally had a conversation with one of these kids in my tolkien class that I kept thinking said really insightful things but I never had a chance to talk to him, or the nerve to say "yo dude nice point" But today we had a conversation and they seem like a generally cool human-bean. So that was reassuring
So the metal show last night...was the awesome. I didn't study as much as I should have for my arthurian literature midterm but I generally got this feeling: I am going to be young for a very very shot time. Some portion of that time should be dedicated to some headbanging amonst drunken metal heads. The evening got off to a good start, memorizing tolkien's poetry at nicoles house, Having a drink, going to bills and watching the new Nine Inch Nails DVD with Bill, Oliver, and Luke. Then the show...
God I love little rock shows, or big ones, the pounding bodies the sweat the noise. It's primal, like some long forgotten ritual of our collective ancestors. A friend's band Brothers Through Glass played and they were mighty fine. Being underaged I had to drink rum and coke from a water bottle in the bathroom. Rebellion is hilarious.
Plus headbanging is sweet.
On the plus side I did well on my assignments. I am a genius and now I am off to see friends and then go to a "Friends of Knowledge Kegger"
Huzzah
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Beating The War Drums
You can't help the things you feel, as I'm finding out, but you can help how you react to these emotions. I'm learning slowly how I tend to do what's easier for me than what's best for the people that I care about. My general agnst is mostly the result of my own habit of erring on the side of melodrama and the public declaration of self truth rather than any sort of tangible issue within my own life. For year I had a reoccuring dream that my teeth were loose and I would spend the duration of the dream attempting to keep them in. Closing my mouth and reminding myself not to touch them with my teeth. Right before I left for university, 300 miles to the north of where I grew up and on the other side of the planet socially. I had the dream again, sick of the re-occuring dream I finally ripped the teeth out of my head. They were brown and rotten and they had clotted blood and pus on them It wasn't appealing. Staring at my gruesome teeth I woke up. I never had that dream again.
Now I have nightmares at night that my mouth is stuck open and I can't close it.
Maybe I talk too much.
Maybe this is an example, but then again this is a blog and I have nothing to write about but what I know within myself.
I took a nap yesterday and had a horrible nightmare, I thought I was screaming in my sleep. Aes, my 800 miles away lover of just about forever, said I shouldn't let it effect me. I wish I could be like him, logical, straight foward, intelligent in the most measurable way. I am not that way, emotional, overly expressive... I used to suffer from depression and anxiety , the kind that makes you crazy, now I deal with it. It doesn't mean it's gone, it doesn't mean I'm crazy. It means I have to take care of myself, and I do. It's tempting isn't it? My depression generally makes me artistically prolific and I find it easier to work well in the creative arena. It's just not something I can succomb to. Not if I want to live.
***
during a conversation in class about the war in Iraq
"You guys keep blaming the media but it's US who demand that CNN give us information on Anna Nicole Smith and Tickle-Me-Elmo rather than The War. I hate to seem like I have no faith in the over-riding goodness of humanity, but I'm going to be honest, I don't think we would. What we're getting is what we're demanding."
Now I have nightmares at night that my mouth is stuck open and I can't close it.
Maybe I talk too much.
Maybe this is an example, but then again this is a blog and I have nothing to write about but what I know within myself.
I took a nap yesterday and had a horrible nightmare, I thought I was screaming in my sleep. Aes, my 800 miles away lover of just about forever, said I shouldn't let it effect me. I wish I could be like him, logical, straight foward, intelligent in the most measurable way. I am not that way, emotional, overly expressive... I used to suffer from depression and anxiety , the kind that makes you crazy, now I deal with it. It doesn't mean it's gone, it doesn't mean I'm crazy. It means I have to take care of myself, and I do. It's tempting isn't it? My depression generally makes me artistically prolific and I find it easier to work well in the creative arena. It's just not something I can succomb to. Not if I want to live.
***
during a conversation in class about the war in Iraq
"You guys keep blaming the media but it's US who demand that CNN give us information on Anna Nicole Smith and Tickle-Me-Elmo rather than The War. I hate to seem like I have no faith in the over-riding goodness of humanity, but I'm going to be honest, I don't think we would. What we're getting is what we're demanding."
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