Beating The War Drums

You can't help the things you feel, as I'm finding out, but you can help how you react to these emotions. I'm learning slowly how I tend to do what's easier for me than what's best for the people that I care about. My general agnst is mostly the result of my own habit of erring on the side of melodrama and the public declaration of self truth rather than any sort of tangible issue within my own life. For year I had a reoccuring dream that my teeth were loose and I would spend the duration of the dream attempting to keep them in. Closing my mouth and reminding myself not to touch them with my teeth. Right before I left for university, 300 miles to the north of where I grew up and on the other side of the planet socially. I had the dream again, sick of the re-occuring dream I finally ripped the teeth out of my head. They were brown and rotten and they had clotted blood and pus on them It wasn't appealing. Staring at my gruesome teeth I woke up. I never had that dream again.
Now I have nightmares at night that my mouth is stuck open and I can't close it.

Maybe I talk too much.

Maybe this is an example, but then again this is a blog and I have nothing to write about but what I know within myself.

I took a nap yesterday and had a horrible nightmare, I thought I was screaming in my sleep. Aes, my 800 miles away lover of just about forever, said I shouldn't let it effect me. I wish I could be like him, logical, straight foward, intelligent in the most measurable way. I am not that way, emotional, overly expressive... I used to suffer from depression and anxiety , the kind that makes you crazy, now I deal with it. It doesn't mean it's gone, it doesn't mean I'm crazy. It means I have to take care of myself, and I do. It's tempting isn't it? My depression generally makes me artistically prolific and I find it easier to work well in the creative arena. It's just not something I can succomb to. Not if I want to live.


***

during a conversation in class about the war in Iraq

"You guys keep blaming the media but it's US who demand that CNN give us information on Anna Nicole Smith and Tickle-Me-Elmo rather than The War. I hate to seem like I have no faith in the over-riding goodness of humanity, but I'm going to be honest, I don't think we would. What we're getting is what we're demanding."